Almost Christmas...

Well, I've made it through the holiday season, almost. It has been difficult, and I'm sure it's been difficult for the for the people around me as well. I am trying my hardest to not let my mood affect those around me, mainly becasue I have no right to make their holiday so miserable....

I had this horrible dream last night about Christmas...Brian and I woke up and realized that there really was a Santa...he left us so many gifts....so we started to open them and they were all gifts for our new baby....how cruel?!?!?!?! Why would anyone put us through that..but before I could even finish the thought, SANTA, yes..SANTA came walking out into the living room carring our baby...It was so weird..... I think these kinds of dreams should be banned. People shouldn't be able to dream about things that are never going to happen.

We will soon start our trek to all the families houses for Christmas and I'm sure every little thing will remind me of how much I was looking forward to being pregnant this Christmas because that meant that in a few months we would be new parents....

All the wrapping is done, the shopping is done..now it's just get through everything....I know it's selfish to ask for help getting through these next few days, but I really need it as I'm sure Brian might at times too...I promise next year I won't be so grinch like at Christmas!!!!

LOVE SANTA!!

Dude! Santa wrote me back!
Check it out:

Dear Sara,
I am not a genie in a bottle, nor am I God. I cannot create miracles. I'm merely a jolly old man in a red suit. I suggest you go to the gym more often and leave the cookies for me. As for the more practical items on your list (all two of them), I'll work on it. But you need to learn to at least ACT surprised and pleased with gifts that you do not like from your family. If you don't, then it's lumps of coal next year and I'll give the winning lottery ticket to that girl from kindergarten that stole your boyfriend.

And don't scoff. It's not very pretty of you. You could also learn to cut back on the cursing and ease up on your backseat driving.

Santa

My Letter to Santa

Dear Santa,
As I'm sure you're already aware, I've been a very good girl this year. So! Allow me to cut to the chase and give you my list of wishes...all of which I know you're just dying to fulfill for me.1. World Peace. (I feel obligated to start with this, because, well, it just seems like the right thing to do. It's what Brangelina would ask for, I bet.)2. A dirt devil broom. I know, how lazy am I…it just would be nice because maybe the husband would want to sweep once and awhile too…dontcha think?

3. Perfume. So I can shower less.

4. A freezer so we can buy lots and lots of meat!! (NEVERMIND! Mom got this one for me already. Thanx anyway!)

5. A Cherry Pitter—I know, not a necessity, but I can’t even tell you how afraid I am to eat Big Cherries, (and I LOVE THEM) because I’m afraid I’ll choke on a pit. Thanks Santa! 6. A body like hers, except less pregnant. Not that she is showing yet, but uh, you know what I mean.

6. A body like Jessica Alba, except less pregnant. Not that she is showing yet, but uh, you know what I mean.

7. And since you're hopefully bringing me a new body, could you also bring some new clothes? Otherwise, I'd be nekkid and while I'm sure everyone would want to see that - with my new Jessica Alba body and all - it's winter, and I would be cold.8. The metabolism of a hummingbird would be cool too. Ya know, to keep my new body looking like it should and still be able to eat my weight in cookies whenever I feel like it. I bet Jessica Alba has NEVER eaten her weight in cookies and really? What kind of life is that? A sad one, that's what.I think that's enough.

If you can give me even HALF of these things, I'll be forever grateful. Next year, feel free to just give me a winning lottery ticket or something small like that.

Thanks,
Love,
Sara

St. Nick Day

St. Nick comes tonight.
I remember how excited we were to see what we were going to get in our stockings. When I was in elementary school I prayed for “cool” colored pens and lip gloss. As I got older, gas gift cards and McDonalds Coupons, etc were always nice. Now, I get more satisfaction in watching other people open their stockings.
I used to think I would miss it, because I mean, if there is one thing Brian has taught me it’s, “who doesn’t like free stuff?”

Yea, sometimes I do miss it, but overall I just love watching other people open them up and see what the big guy has brought them. This year I’m filling Brian’s stocking and the dogs. It should be fun. I’m excited. I’m not sure if Brian thoroughly enjoys the whole St. Nick day tradition my family follows, but I can’t imagine not doing it. He will get the traditional candy but I have a few other surprises I’m going to slip in there as well. I hope he likes it.

The dogs on the other hand will like it no matter what, I already know it. J

I’m trying to prep myself for the Christmas baking weekend, but being in such a blah christmas mood is putting a damper on the plans. Hopefully something will happen that will trigger my desire to celebrate the holidays this year…SOON!

Here are some Santa Stats for you until the next blog…(not that anyone can read this anyway….)

Santa Stats
U.S. has 78 people registered under S. Claus and one under Kriss Kringle
December is the most popular month for nose jobs.
Weight of Santa's sleigh loaded with one Beanie Baby for every kid on earth: 333,333 tons.
Number of reindeers required to pull a 333,333-ton sleigh: 214,206 plus Rudolph.
Average wage of a mall Santa: $11 an hour. With real beard: $20.
To deliver all his gifts in one night, Santa would have to make 822.6 visits per second (at 3,000 times the speed of sound).
At that speed, Santa and his reindeers would instantaneously burst into flames in Earth's atmosphere just like meteors.

I have made it a priority to make myself into a better person. Physically that is. I am working so hard on losing weight, and eating right. I am getting my hair done right before Christmas; I’m just working hard it this time. I feel like my husband didn’t marry me so I could turn into some ugly, extremely overweight blah of a person. I want to be a better looking person for myself, but for him too. I want him to be excited to be with me. I want him to look at me and think, wow, she is beautiful. I know people say over and over again that you can say you are going to lose weight over and over again but it’s a whole other thing to get out there and do it. I am up for the challenge this time.

A few years ago a “friend” of mine, or prior friend made a comment that hurt my feelings probably more than anything anyone has ever said to me. She said she could imagine anyone ever wanting to have sex with me, or do anything with me for that matter unless they were drunk. Every time I think about it I cry…There are a lot of things I’m not happy with about myself, but everyone has those things they don’t like about themselves, but I guess I never thought those things were that bad that she would say something like that. When I started dating Brian things got so much better. They way he treated me and talked to me, etc made me feel like what she said was insignificant. It felt so good.

Now, I look at myself and see someone that has gained weight since then, is whiter than white, and just overall doesn’t look very attractive. There are things I like about myself, but there are a few things I wish I could change. I cry when I’m alone because I can’t help but think that the reason Brian and I don’t really have sex is because of this. He has told me over and over again, it’s not. He even went to the dr to get stuff checked out and he was told the cause of the issue, but I can’t help but think what that “friend” said is coming back to haunt me. That is why the no-sex thing bothers me so much. I’m not needy where I need it all the time, but we very rarely have sex and everytime I think about it I cry because what if that person was right, even partially.

I got all these cute “outfits” for my bridal shower/personal shower and don’t use them. I had to pack them up because I couldn’t stand looking at them every time I went into the closet for socks. Sometimes I can’t believe people are as hurtful as they are. I could never say something like that to someone, EVER!!!

So, here’s to trying harder, looking better, and someday being able to unpack those cute little “outfits.” J

Well Black Friday has come and gone and I made it out alive. I did a bit of shopping, but nothing major. I bought a few things here and there and well, of course some decorations. I usually love, and I mean absolutely love decorating for the holidays, but this year I can’t get into the swing of things. I’m still stuck on the fact that this was supposed to be the last Christmas before I could go buy gifts for our baby, the last Christmas I could bake cookies without a baby wanting to be held, our last Christmas where I could be able to decorate and make all my Christmas cards..After we lost the baby I had a brief moment where I took a huge breath and thought, well at least things aren’t going to change so quick. Then I had time to think about it, and I realized why I was so excited after we found out we were going to be parents.

I couldn’t wait to be woken up on Christmas morning by either a crying baby, a cooing baby, or a toddler pulling on my sheets because “Santa” had come. I could handle only making 20 kinds of Christmas cookies after this year. I may even be able to handle shopping for some extra presents next year J And, I would willingly pack away all the candles, and the tinsel just to ensure the baby didn’t get into them.

I find myself crying more often now. When I’m shopping and I see those little onesies that say, Santa’s helper, or Baby’s first Christmas I cry. When I see a pregnant mom, I cry. When I see a mom holiday shopping with her overly excited kids, I cry….I thought I was passed it, but I can’t seem to shake this feeling. That’s why Christmas isn’t fun and exciting for me this year. I barely decorated our tree, the house is so plain compared the every other year. I just can’t get in the swing of things.

Since, I’m a little old to sit on Santa’s lap and tell him the only thing I want this year, I’ll try and be content knowing that someday I’ll be a mommy, and I’ll be able to sit back and know that it was worth the wait.


For now, my puppies will have to enjoy the Christmas stocking and presents I wrap up for them. I’m sure they won’t mind!

There are many things I am thankful for....

Happy Early Thanksgiving! I can’t lie, this holiday isn’t really on my top 5 list of Holidays I liked to celebrate for a number of reasons, but mainly because of the fact that it doesn’t include a huge feast of ham. Everyone always talks about overeating on this holiday, and actually I really think I under-eat. I don’t like Turkey, but I do like the fixings. Stuffing is one of my favorites and since Brian doesn’t like it I don’t usually make it ever, so that’s always a treat on Thanksgiving. I also love the canned cranberries. Yes, the canned ones. I dislike the feeling of whole cranberries floating in jelly in my mouth. My mouth is getting that pre-throw up feeling just thinking about it. Yucko! Anyways, back to the reasons I don’t like this holiday. Not all of the family is here for this holiday usually. People who live far away don’t come home because it’s not the “big holiday” like Christmas. So we don’t get to see everyone. Some people have started to have their own Thanksgivings so we don’t see them either….it’s just not the same as when we were all kids, and that’s fine…again, it’s just not my favorite holiday, but I do love the 3 day work week J

There are many things I am thankful for this year, oops I almost had to catch myself from starting to sing Brian’s Thanksgiving song…J Yes, he made up a Thanksgiving song…..There are also many things I am un-Thankful for, but I like to focus on the good things..the Thankful for things J

I’m thankful for the family and friends I have that have been here through all the good things this year and all the bad things. Family (and friends sometimes) can really cling to your last nerve, but they always seem to be there (and not the bad kind of being there—like when everywhere you go or turn Allie is there, or calling you) when you need them the most. And, for that, I am thankful.

I’m thankful for my “new” family. Brian’s mom and Mike, Brian’s dad and all the aunts, uncles, etc. They are an amazing bunch of people and I’m thankful they have made me feel so welcome into their family. I’m also thankful they have gotten to know my family and STILL welcome us all into their lives. J

I’m thankful for our new apartment. This new apartment has allowed our family to grow with our two puppies, Kili and Goombah and has allowed Brian and I the room to just be ourselves. Our last apartment was so small and while cozy, at the same time it was a bit uncomfortable.

I’m thankful for the most amazing event of my life…my wedding. We had so many people play a part in making it one of the greatest days of my life. The weather held off until we were on our way to the reception…our guests all had an amazing time, we had an amazing time. Our cake was just as good as we remembered it…and our honeymoon was amazing as well!

I’m thankful for something that may seem a little odd, but I have to say it really meant a lot to me and affected me in a way I didn’t think it would. During the dollar dance at the wedding my great uncle came up and danced with me. Now, he isn’t a very social guy, and he’s very..I don’t know the word….blunt. I never expected him to dance with me, but he did and while we were dancing he looked at me and he said, you’re grandma would have been so proud of you, and I had to hold back the tears, because without sounding vain, I know she would have. She always used to talk about how excited she was going to be the day I got married, and how I better find someone that was good for me…She would have loved Brian so much, and Uncle Kenny knew that and when he said that to me, I just couldn’t help but see my grandma in his eyes. It just felt like she was there with me, and I needed that because aside from that being one of the happiest days of my life, when I saw my grandpa sitting in that church, a part of me was so sad that she couldn’t be there to sit with him, to see my dad walk me down the aisle, to see me get announced as “Sara DiVito.” I am so thankful for that one minute dance that night. Maybe that was her way of being there with me….God does work in mysterious ways.

I’m thankful for my husband. Not because I think I should be, or because people tell me I HAVE TO be, but because I want to be and because I truly am. I am thankful that he loves me and that he hasn’t killed me yet for talking while he’s reading or watching football. I’m thankful that he does little things that irritate me everyday and because he does things that I love everyday. Those irritating little things make my life, our life together, that much better. I have learned, slowly but surely (and I’m still learning everyday) that I can’t expect Brian to do things the way I have done them, or do them and that makes our lives that much more interesting. I’m thankful that he is there for all the good, exciting things that happen in our lives, but I’m even more thankful this year for him being there during the most difficult times. I sometimes think I can’t imagine my life without him, and the best part is that I won’t ever have to.

I’m thankful that God gave me the strength to get through the hardest part of this past year. There were days I didn’t want to talk to anyone about it, and days when I sat in the bathroom, closet, in bed, anywhere, just crying uncontrollably because I didn’t think I would get past it…but I did, and I have so many people to be grateful for having in my life, but there came a point where I needed to overcome it myself, or try to overcome it myself, and that’s where God came in..and while I know he can’t possibly be proud of the way I have utilized my faith recently, he still came through for me…amazing.

House hunting can be both exciting and stressful at the same time. While I would love a new house more than anything in this world, I also am super content in my little apt with my husband and dogs. Yes, it is inconvenient sometimes for us to have to take the dogs outside, have them play, etc, but overall I am super happy with our humble abode. But, if we ever want to have kids or have amazingly happy dogs we need to find a house..and according to recent articles on online and realtors, we need to find one soon…

We spent most of the day today looking at houses mainly in Racine. They were nice, but ehh not really what I wanted…and I don’t think Brian was too impressed either. The one I did like, Brian didn’t appear to keen on..and I guess, since he will be living there with me he should have a say. J

While just driving around in Kenosha today we found a house that was for sale by owner..it looked brand new, and actually pretty much was. The guy who lives next door built the house in 2002. Everything even smells new in there. We both absolutely loved it and from the looks of the backyard our puppies would love it too. The only thing is…its 199k…hmm a little high above what we wanted to pay. We are keeping a close eye on it, but we are going to keep looking around for something…we will see….

On a completely different note I was looking through some old journal entries and I found this….
-Has a great sense of humor....-Enjoys sports, Athletic-Smart, good job, went to school-Respects my opinion on pre-marital sex-Likes kids, appreciates family-Enjoys spending time together.. -NOT SUPER SKINNY.....I like to feel safe...-Nice teeth-Great Smile-Hard Worker-HandY/Outdoorsman-Likes Country Music (or can bear it now and then)-Sensitive, but not overly-Honest-Trustworthy-Sarcastic and can joke aorund with me and not take everything so seriously-DOES NOT SMOKE...

This was my list of qualities I hoped to someday find in a boyfriend/husband…hmm..I don’t think I did too bad….Infact, I think I found a few other things in Brian I wasn’t ever expecting to find in a guy….so I think I am a pretty lucky girl.

As if there isn't enough football stuff.....

So Brian’s football banquet is tonight and God…I can’t wait for it to be done. I know that sounds horrible and completely opposite what I should be feeling since planning stuff like that and organizing it all is my cup of tea..but I didn’t know enough about the players, the parents the sport or anything to plan something amazing. I won’t lie I was a little upset with Brian’s lack of interest in planning something for his players. Yes, he had a pretty lousy group of players at the beginning of the year, but according him, they got so much better…and actually it showed the last few games of the year…It was all just poor planning on so many different levels. Yes, there should have been letters that went out earlier, yes follow up calls should have been made, etc…I know I can’t be mad at him because coaching is his thing, not planning stuff like that…and if there is anything good that came out of this it’s that next year his team will have probably the best banquet ever because preparation will be sooo much better.

I think overall things should go pretty decent tonight, aside from the lack of people there. The people that are there will have fun, eat some amazing pizza, their kid will get a nice trophy and they will have cake for the rest of the weekend. J

And…I can go home not upset with my husband the coach..because afterall..he is a coach, not an event planner.

Good News from El Doctor...

So we had our follow up appointment at the Dr. Today….I was so nervous going into the appointment mainly because I didn’t know what he was going to tell us. I didn’t want him to tell us he couldn’t find anything on the tests because even though I know we promised not to rack our brains thinking of what it could be I know I would. I didn’t want him to tell us it was something I did (highly unlikely) but still possible. I guess I don’t know what I wanted him to tell us..I just wanted a little bit of reassurance that Brian and I were okay, and that when we were ready to have another baby we could…..After he told us there were no hormone or chromosome problems, I let out a huge sigh of relief. I actually was a little excited. This was just what I wanted to hear. I was sooooooo happy. I’m sure Brian could tell and was wondering how news like this (associated with what happened 2 weeks prior) could be good news…I guess in the midst of all the bad news, this was as good as it was going to get for me. Then Brian asked the sex of the baby…I wanted to know, but I didn’t. I wanted to know so I didn’t spend the next few years wondering. I didn’t want to know because I knew it would be a little more painful for me to find out it was a girl…and a little more painful for Brian to find out it was a boy…..

Well, it was a boy…and it was just as devastating for me to hear that. I don’t know what it is but..my husband is attractive..of course I think that..but when you picture your husband being a dad they instantly become 100x more attractive. When we first found out we were having a baby I pictured Brian holding this tiny little person..part me and part him (hopefully more me…just kidding) and I might have even started crying ….maybe it was the hormones J I just can’t tell you how different he looked to me when I thought of that…He would have been----WILL BE a great dad…and I can’t wait for that.

Well I’ve jumped on the blogging wagon, mainly just to get things off my chest. I’ve had MANY good things happen recently in my life and many difficult things happen lately and they have caused me to sit and just re-evaluate my life. After sitting and thinking about all these things I realized I have done some pretty lousy things and some pretty amazing things. I’m glad it’s the end of the year and that I can essentially “start over” for the New Year. Don’t get me wrong, my life is pretty darn good right now there are just a few things I would like to change.

Let me first start by saying that if I was never, ever, ever given the opportunity to change anything right now in my life I would be okay with that.

If, however I was given the opportunity to change a few things I would want to change the way I have strayed away from the church. I know people who hear this always initially think, well why did you stop going to church in the first place. Well, it’s not that I didn’t want to go to church..trust me, those who don’t attend mass, or have belief in some faith probably can’t understand this but going to church makes you feel secure in your surroundings. I can’t even try and explain it because it won’t make sense. But, I will tell you I miss that.

Given the events that have happened in the last few weeks have made me realize just how much I miss the closeness to the church I used to have. Most people when bad things happen to them and they can’t understand the reason blame God. They stop praying, they stop going to church and some even wonder how someone so great could do these horrible things to them. After my miscarriage, surprisingly I wasn’t mad. I wasn’t mad at the way the dr. told us what had happened, I wasn’t mad at my family for telling people we were pregnant so soon, I wasn’t mad at myself for getting so excited so soon, and I surely wasn’t mad at God. I think this is mainly because I believe, and have always believed that things will happen for a reason, both good and bad things. They happen so we can ultimately be prepared for something worse, or something better. Unlike us, God can see the future, for goodness sakes he “lays it out for us” so he knows when something isn’t going to work out or is going to work out, thus the good things and bad things that happen to us everyday. I fully trust in him. Blame that on my very catholic parents for instilling this in me while growing up, blame it on Sr. Prudentia who drilled in us everyday prayers, and catechism, or I can just attribute it everyone who ever tried to help me see that having faith in something, no matter what it is is a HUGE part of a person’s life. I may not be able to go to lunch with God and vent. I may not be able to hear him when he answers my prayers, and I may never know the reasons he does the things he does, but I find a certain level of comfort in coming to him just to talk. Maybe it’s because he doesn’t answer back (vocally that is), maybe it’s because I trust him to the utmost degree. I don’t know. I just know my faith has proven to give me more than I ever could have imagined. When I was young I couldn’t wait until I didn’t have to go to school and study religion. I couldn’t wait to not have to go to church every morning with my class, and I certainly couldn’t wait till I got to chose if I was going to go to church on Sunday or not. Now, after a few years of not going to church every Sunday I can surely say that I miss that.

I think my biggest problem is that I don’t like going to church alone. I always went with someone to church I don’t have anyone now to do that with, so I think that is a big contributor to my lack of attendance. This will definitely change VERY soon.

My next change I would like to make is talking. God, I talk a lot…..I know I bother Brian with all my talking, and I know if I were to stop talking so much he would probably wonder what was wrong. It’s so weird because growing up with my huge family I always wanted to be alone. I wanted people to knock before coming in my room. I wanted my mom to stop calling me so many times to see where I was or what I was doing. I wanted my little sisters to stop talking so much and let me just relax. Then, when I lived on my own I missed it. I was always over there, or with Brian or other people. I don’t even have much to say most of the time, I just find things to talk about because I feel obligated to talk. SOooooo..BIG change here…less talking!!

Last but not least, I need to appreciate my husband more. I do appreciate him more than anything right now, but I think I could definitely appreciate him more. He does a lot for me and he doesn’t even know it. I appreciate all the sacrifices, both big and small that he has made for me, for us. I appreciate him trying to do things he never used to do. I appreciate how much he loves me…and how much he loves my family. I just think I could do a better job showing him how much I love and appreciate him. So, I’m going to try and things of some ways to show him that..instead of just telling him.