I have made it a priority to make myself into a better person. Physically that is. I am working so hard on losing weight, and eating right. I am getting my hair done right before Christmas; I’m just working hard it this time. I feel like my husband didn’t marry me so I could turn into some ugly, extremely overweight blah of a person. I want to be a better looking person for myself, but for him too. I want him to be excited to be with me. I want him to look at me and think, wow, she is beautiful. I know people say over and over again that you can say you are going to lose weight over and over again but it’s a whole other thing to get out there and do it. I am up for the challenge this time.

A few years ago a “friend” of mine, or prior friend made a comment that hurt my feelings probably more than anything anyone has ever said to me. She said she could imagine anyone ever wanting to have sex with me, or do anything with me for that matter unless they were drunk. Every time I think about it I cry…There are a lot of things I’m not happy with about myself, but everyone has those things they don’t like about themselves, but I guess I never thought those things were that bad that she would say something like that. When I started dating Brian things got so much better. They way he treated me and talked to me, etc made me feel like what she said was insignificant. It felt so good.

Now, I look at myself and see someone that has gained weight since then, is whiter than white, and just overall doesn’t look very attractive. There are things I like about myself, but there are a few things I wish I could change. I cry when I’m alone because I can’t help but think that the reason Brian and I don’t really have sex is because of this. He has told me over and over again, it’s not. He even went to the dr to get stuff checked out and he was told the cause of the issue, but I can’t help but think what that “friend” said is coming back to haunt me. That is why the no-sex thing bothers me so much. I’m not needy where I need it all the time, but we very rarely have sex and everytime I think about it I cry because what if that person was right, even partially.

I got all these cute “outfits” for my bridal shower/personal shower and don’t use them. I had to pack them up because I couldn’t stand looking at them every time I went into the closet for socks. Sometimes I can’t believe people are as hurtful as they are. I could never say something like that to someone, EVER!!!

So, here’s to trying harder, looking better, and someday being able to unpack those cute little “outfits.” J