Well Black Friday has come and gone and I made it out alive. I did a bit of shopping, but nothing major. I bought a few things here and there and well, of course some decorations. I usually love, and I mean absolutely love decorating for the holidays, but this year I can’t get into the swing of things. I’m still stuck on the fact that this was supposed to be the last Christmas before I could go buy gifts for our baby, the last Christmas I could bake cookies without a baby wanting to be held, our last Christmas where I could be able to decorate and make all my Christmas cards..After we lost the baby I had a brief moment where I took a huge breath and thought, well at least things aren’t going to change so quick. Then I had time to think about it, and I realized why I was so excited after we found out we were going to be parents.

I couldn’t wait to be woken up on Christmas morning by either a crying baby, a cooing baby, or a toddler pulling on my sheets because “Santa” had come. I could handle only making 20 kinds of Christmas cookies after this year. I may even be able to handle shopping for some extra presents next year J And, I would willingly pack away all the candles, and the tinsel just to ensure the baby didn’t get into them.

I find myself crying more often now. When I’m shopping and I see those little onesies that say, Santa’s helper, or Baby’s first Christmas I cry. When I see a pregnant mom, I cry. When I see a mom holiday shopping with her overly excited kids, I cry….I thought I was passed it, but I can’t seem to shake this feeling. That’s why Christmas isn’t fun and exciting for me this year. I barely decorated our tree, the house is so plain compared the every other year. I just can’t get in the swing of things.

Since, I’m a little old to sit on Santa’s lap and tell him the only thing I want this year, I’ll try and be content knowing that someday I’ll be a mommy, and I’ll be able to sit back and know that it was worth the wait.


For now, my puppies will have to enjoy the Christmas stocking and presents I wrap up for them. I’m sure they won’t mind!