Well Black Friday has come and gone and I made it out alive. I did a bit of shopping, but nothing major. I bought a few things here and there and well, of course some decorations. I usually love, and I mean absolutely love decorating for the holidays, but this year I can’t get into the swing of things. I’m still stuck on the fact that this was supposed to be the last Christmas before I could go buy gifts for our baby, the last Christmas I could bake cookies without a baby wanting to be held, our last Christmas where I could be able to decorate and make all my Christmas cards..After we lost the baby I had a brief moment where I took a huge breath and thought, well at least things aren’t going to change so quick. Then I had time to think about it, and I realized why I was so excited after we found out we were going to be parents.

I couldn’t wait to be woken up on Christmas morning by either a crying baby, a cooing baby, or a toddler pulling on my sheets because “Santa” had come. I could handle only making 20 kinds of Christmas cookies after this year. I may even be able to handle shopping for some extra presents next year J And, I would willingly pack away all the candles, and the tinsel just to ensure the baby didn’t get into them.

I find myself crying more often now. When I’m shopping and I see those little onesies that say, Santa’s helper, or Baby’s first Christmas I cry. When I see a pregnant mom, I cry. When I see a mom holiday shopping with her overly excited kids, I cry….I thought I was passed it, but I can’t seem to shake this feeling. That’s why Christmas isn’t fun and exciting for me this year. I barely decorated our tree, the house is so plain compared the every other year. I just can’t get in the swing of things.

Since, I’m a little old to sit on Santa’s lap and tell him the only thing I want this year, I’ll try and be content knowing that someday I’ll be a mommy, and I’ll be able to sit back and know that it was worth the wait.


For now, my puppies will have to enjoy the Christmas stocking and presents I wrap up for them. I’m sure they won’t mind!

There are many things I am thankful for....

Happy Early Thanksgiving! I can’t lie, this holiday isn’t really on my top 5 list of Holidays I liked to celebrate for a number of reasons, but mainly because of the fact that it doesn’t include a huge feast of ham. Everyone always talks about overeating on this holiday, and actually I really think I under-eat. I don’t like Turkey, but I do like the fixings. Stuffing is one of my favorites and since Brian doesn’t like it I don’t usually make it ever, so that’s always a treat on Thanksgiving. I also love the canned cranberries. Yes, the canned ones. I dislike the feeling of whole cranberries floating in jelly in my mouth. My mouth is getting that pre-throw up feeling just thinking about it. Yucko! Anyways, back to the reasons I don’t like this holiday. Not all of the family is here for this holiday usually. People who live far away don’t come home because it’s not the “big holiday” like Christmas. So we don’t get to see everyone. Some people have started to have their own Thanksgivings so we don’t see them either….it’s just not the same as when we were all kids, and that’s fine…again, it’s just not my favorite holiday, but I do love the 3 day work week J

There are many things I am thankful for this year, oops I almost had to catch myself from starting to sing Brian’s Thanksgiving song…J Yes, he made up a Thanksgiving song…..There are also many things I am un-Thankful for, but I like to focus on the good things..the Thankful for things J

I’m thankful for the family and friends I have that have been here through all the good things this year and all the bad things. Family (and friends sometimes) can really cling to your last nerve, but they always seem to be there (and not the bad kind of being there—like when everywhere you go or turn Allie is there, or calling you) when you need them the most. And, for that, I am thankful.

I’m thankful for my “new” family. Brian’s mom and Mike, Brian’s dad and all the aunts, uncles, etc. They are an amazing bunch of people and I’m thankful they have made me feel so welcome into their family. I’m also thankful they have gotten to know my family and STILL welcome us all into their lives. J

I’m thankful for our new apartment. This new apartment has allowed our family to grow with our two puppies, Kili and Goombah and has allowed Brian and I the room to just be ourselves. Our last apartment was so small and while cozy, at the same time it was a bit uncomfortable.

I’m thankful for the most amazing event of my life…my wedding. We had so many people play a part in making it one of the greatest days of my life. The weather held off until we were on our way to the reception…our guests all had an amazing time, we had an amazing time. Our cake was just as good as we remembered it…and our honeymoon was amazing as well!

I’m thankful for something that may seem a little odd, but I have to say it really meant a lot to me and affected me in a way I didn’t think it would. During the dollar dance at the wedding my great uncle came up and danced with me. Now, he isn’t a very social guy, and he’s very..I don’t know the word….blunt. I never expected him to dance with me, but he did and while we were dancing he looked at me and he said, you’re grandma would have been so proud of you, and I had to hold back the tears, because without sounding vain, I know she would have. She always used to talk about how excited she was going to be the day I got married, and how I better find someone that was good for me…She would have loved Brian so much, and Uncle Kenny knew that and when he said that to me, I just couldn’t help but see my grandma in his eyes. It just felt like she was there with me, and I needed that because aside from that being one of the happiest days of my life, when I saw my grandpa sitting in that church, a part of me was so sad that she couldn’t be there to sit with him, to see my dad walk me down the aisle, to see me get announced as “Sara DiVito.” I am so thankful for that one minute dance that night. Maybe that was her way of being there with me….God does work in mysterious ways.

I’m thankful for my husband. Not because I think I should be, or because people tell me I HAVE TO be, but because I want to be and because I truly am. I am thankful that he loves me and that he hasn’t killed me yet for talking while he’s reading or watching football. I’m thankful that he does little things that irritate me everyday and because he does things that I love everyday. Those irritating little things make my life, our life together, that much better. I have learned, slowly but surely (and I’m still learning everyday) that I can’t expect Brian to do things the way I have done them, or do them and that makes our lives that much more interesting. I’m thankful that he is there for all the good, exciting things that happen in our lives, but I’m even more thankful this year for him being there during the most difficult times. I sometimes think I can’t imagine my life without him, and the best part is that I won’t ever have to.

I’m thankful that God gave me the strength to get through the hardest part of this past year. There were days I didn’t want to talk to anyone about it, and days when I sat in the bathroom, closet, in bed, anywhere, just crying uncontrollably because I didn’t think I would get past it…but I did, and I have so many people to be grateful for having in my life, but there came a point where I needed to overcome it myself, or try to overcome it myself, and that’s where God came in..and while I know he can’t possibly be proud of the way I have utilized my faith recently, he still came through for me…amazing.

House hunting can be both exciting and stressful at the same time. While I would love a new house more than anything in this world, I also am super content in my little apt with my husband and dogs. Yes, it is inconvenient sometimes for us to have to take the dogs outside, have them play, etc, but overall I am super happy with our humble abode. But, if we ever want to have kids or have amazingly happy dogs we need to find a house..and according to recent articles on online and realtors, we need to find one soon…

We spent most of the day today looking at houses mainly in Racine. They were nice, but ehh not really what I wanted…and I don’t think Brian was too impressed either. The one I did like, Brian didn’t appear to keen on..and I guess, since he will be living there with me he should have a say. J

While just driving around in Kenosha today we found a house that was for sale by owner..it looked brand new, and actually pretty much was. The guy who lives next door built the house in 2002. Everything even smells new in there. We both absolutely loved it and from the looks of the backyard our puppies would love it too. The only thing is…its 199k…hmm a little high above what we wanted to pay. We are keeping a close eye on it, but we are going to keep looking around for something…we will see….

On a completely different note I was looking through some old journal entries and I found this….
-Has a great sense of humor....-Enjoys sports, Athletic-Smart, good job, went to school-Respects my opinion on pre-marital sex-Likes kids, appreciates family-Enjoys spending time together.. -NOT SUPER SKINNY.....I like to feel safe...-Nice teeth-Great Smile-Hard Worker-HandY/Outdoorsman-Likes Country Music (or can bear it now and then)-Sensitive, but not overly-Honest-Trustworthy-Sarcastic and can joke aorund with me and not take everything so seriously-DOES NOT SMOKE...

This was my list of qualities I hoped to someday find in a boyfriend/husband…hmm..I don’t think I did too bad….Infact, I think I found a few other things in Brian I wasn’t ever expecting to find in a guy….so I think I am a pretty lucky girl.

As if there isn't enough football stuff.....

So Brian’s football banquet is tonight and God…I can’t wait for it to be done. I know that sounds horrible and completely opposite what I should be feeling since planning stuff like that and organizing it all is my cup of tea..but I didn’t know enough about the players, the parents the sport or anything to plan something amazing. I won’t lie I was a little upset with Brian’s lack of interest in planning something for his players. Yes, he had a pretty lousy group of players at the beginning of the year, but according him, they got so much better…and actually it showed the last few games of the year…It was all just poor planning on so many different levels. Yes, there should have been letters that went out earlier, yes follow up calls should have been made, etc…I know I can’t be mad at him because coaching is his thing, not planning stuff like that…and if there is anything good that came out of this it’s that next year his team will have probably the best banquet ever because preparation will be sooo much better.

I think overall things should go pretty decent tonight, aside from the lack of people there. The people that are there will have fun, eat some amazing pizza, their kid will get a nice trophy and they will have cake for the rest of the weekend. J

And…I can go home not upset with my husband the coach..because afterall..he is a coach, not an event planner.

Good News from El Doctor...

So we had our follow up appointment at the Dr. Today….I was so nervous going into the appointment mainly because I didn’t know what he was going to tell us. I didn’t want him to tell us he couldn’t find anything on the tests because even though I know we promised not to rack our brains thinking of what it could be I know I would. I didn’t want him to tell us it was something I did (highly unlikely) but still possible. I guess I don’t know what I wanted him to tell us..I just wanted a little bit of reassurance that Brian and I were okay, and that when we were ready to have another baby we could…..After he told us there were no hormone or chromosome problems, I let out a huge sigh of relief. I actually was a little excited. This was just what I wanted to hear. I was sooooooo happy. I’m sure Brian could tell and was wondering how news like this (associated with what happened 2 weeks prior) could be good news…I guess in the midst of all the bad news, this was as good as it was going to get for me. Then Brian asked the sex of the baby…I wanted to know, but I didn’t. I wanted to know so I didn’t spend the next few years wondering. I didn’t want to know because I knew it would be a little more painful for me to find out it was a girl…and a little more painful for Brian to find out it was a boy…..

Well, it was a boy…and it was just as devastating for me to hear that. I don’t know what it is but..my husband is attractive..of course I think that..but when you picture your husband being a dad they instantly become 100x more attractive. When we first found out we were having a baby I pictured Brian holding this tiny little person..part me and part him (hopefully more me…just kidding) and I might have even started crying ….maybe it was the hormones J I just can’t tell you how different he looked to me when I thought of that…He would have been----WILL BE a great dad…and I can’t wait for that.

Well I’ve jumped on the blogging wagon, mainly just to get things off my chest. I’ve had MANY good things happen recently in my life and many difficult things happen lately and they have caused me to sit and just re-evaluate my life. After sitting and thinking about all these things I realized I have done some pretty lousy things and some pretty amazing things. I’m glad it’s the end of the year and that I can essentially “start over” for the New Year. Don’t get me wrong, my life is pretty darn good right now there are just a few things I would like to change.

Let me first start by saying that if I was never, ever, ever given the opportunity to change anything right now in my life I would be okay with that.

If, however I was given the opportunity to change a few things I would want to change the way I have strayed away from the church. I know people who hear this always initially think, well why did you stop going to church in the first place. Well, it’s not that I didn’t want to go to church..trust me, those who don’t attend mass, or have belief in some faith probably can’t understand this but going to church makes you feel secure in your surroundings. I can’t even try and explain it because it won’t make sense. But, I will tell you I miss that.

Given the events that have happened in the last few weeks have made me realize just how much I miss the closeness to the church I used to have. Most people when bad things happen to them and they can’t understand the reason blame God. They stop praying, they stop going to church and some even wonder how someone so great could do these horrible things to them. After my miscarriage, surprisingly I wasn’t mad. I wasn’t mad at the way the dr. told us what had happened, I wasn’t mad at my family for telling people we were pregnant so soon, I wasn’t mad at myself for getting so excited so soon, and I surely wasn’t mad at God. I think this is mainly because I believe, and have always believed that things will happen for a reason, both good and bad things. They happen so we can ultimately be prepared for something worse, or something better. Unlike us, God can see the future, for goodness sakes he “lays it out for us” so he knows when something isn’t going to work out or is going to work out, thus the good things and bad things that happen to us everyday. I fully trust in him. Blame that on my very catholic parents for instilling this in me while growing up, blame it on Sr. Prudentia who drilled in us everyday prayers, and catechism, or I can just attribute it everyone who ever tried to help me see that having faith in something, no matter what it is is a HUGE part of a person’s life. I may not be able to go to lunch with God and vent. I may not be able to hear him when he answers my prayers, and I may never know the reasons he does the things he does, but I find a certain level of comfort in coming to him just to talk. Maybe it’s because he doesn’t answer back (vocally that is), maybe it’s because I trust him to the utmost degree. I don’t know. I just know my faith has proven to give me more than I ever could have imagined. When I was young I couldn’t wait until I didn’t have to go to school and study religion. I couldn’t wait to not have to go to church every morning with my class, and I certainly couldn’t wait till I got to chose if I was going to go to church on Sunday or not. Now, after a few years of not going to church every Sunday I can surely say that I miss that.

I think my biggest problem is that I don’t like going to church alone. I always went with someone to church I don’t have anyone now to do that with, so I think that is a big contributor to my lack of attendance. This will definitely change VERY soon.

My next change I would like to make is talking. God, I talk a lot…..I know I bother Brian with all my talking, and I know if I were to stop talking so much he would probably wonder what was wrong. It’s so weird because growing up with my huge family I always wanted to be alone. I wanted people to knock before coming in my room. I wanted my mom to stop calling me so many times to see where I was or what I was doing. I wanted my little sisters to stop talking so much and let me just relax. Then, when I lived on my own I missed it. I was always over there, or with Brian or other people. I don’t even have much to say most of the time, I just find things to talk about because I feel obligated to talk. SOooooo..BIG change here…less talking!!

Last but not least, I need to appreciate my husband more. I do appreciate him more than anything right now, but I think I could definitely appreciate him more. He does a lot for me and he doesn’t even know it. I appreciate all the sacrifices, both big and small that he has made for me, for us. I appreciate him trying to do things he never used to do. I appreciate how much he loves me…and how much he loves my family. I just think I could do a better job showing him how much I love and appreciate him. So, I’m going to try and things of some ways to show him that..instead of just telling him.